It starts with the first breath, then grows bigger and bigger as time passes and breath fades and life begins and ends a million times, or so it feels. Laughter comes and goes faster then you realize it to be happening, you toddle around on your tiptoes with fluffy dresses and flowers in your hair, sticky fingers and pink lips, your mind barely there, no conscious to worry about because you don’t realize what life is anyways.
Bedtime stories and begs for lollipops in supermarkets, lacy nightgowns and twirling around, convinced you are a ballerina. Buttercups on chins and learning to tie shoes, skinned knees and bloody palms from the first bike ride, curly hair and red noses and creamy cheeks. Torn jeans and pretending to fly, only to end up on the ground and not being able to realize that dreams can’t always be realities.
Life is carefree, it feels like floating on a cloud with no worries that you might fall through and tumble from the sky to the ground. You are young with nothing to occupy your little mind but happiness and the occasional disappointment because you didn’t get what you wanted.
Years pass as fast as clouds float through the sky, on and on but nothing seems to change. Life makes sense, you understand what you are meant for, no insecurities or doubts or worries about what might be ahead. But soon all that is left behind.
Happiness is replaced with doubtfulness, worries consume you, nothing seems to be the same, everything changes. You change, looking back at old pictures and wondering how you could have been so happy back then, and what had changed. Wakeful nights are spent doubting, wondering, worrying, thinking, questioning.
Life experience grows, questions remain. Scars are left on the heart and body. You wonder, will everything be like this forever? It feels as if you are in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. You walk and walk and walk, you count down the days until the tunnel will come to an end, but you don’t know what you are waiting for at the end.
Memories fade and new ones are made. Footprints are left etched in places not forgotten. Every day you wake up, a new sunrise greets you, and finally you see the light. Change comes once again, as fast as the wind whisking itself away through the trees and branches in a storm. The light shines brighter and brighter, scars on heart and body fade, leaving marks on both to be proud of, because they are what you have overcome. Life begins to take on a new form, days pass, which turn into weeks, which turn into months.
Life begins to become clearer. Every day brings a new struggle, a new worry, a new idea….a new doubt, a new question, but you begin to realize that these won’t ever stop because this is what makes up life. All the little things like doubts and happiness and questions and excitement and worries and curiosity and carefree-ness and wonders and fright and anger and joy and anticipation and courage and pity and the scars that come and go as years pass. It’s all part of the confusing, amazing bundle that is growing up. I’m only part way there. But this is what I have learned.